Thoughts

It has been one of those days in which I am just so tired of everyone and everything. I know that sometimes people have bad days and what not but it is not my fault an DO NOT put blame on me. I have been seeing changes with one of my co-workers. I don't know where or how she got this idea that I am this vile person. You don't want to talk to me? That's fine. Better for me. That way I don't have to hear your drama anymore. And believe me she has drama. But don't pretend that i am not here. I am and you need to remember that just because sometimes I stay quiet and don't say anything doesn't mean anything. the only thing that it means is that i don't want to deal with you, but it doesn't mean that i wont if I have to. I was courteous to you and said hello back, but whether you were talking about me or about the other person here giving you an evil look, guess what it was all in your imagination. 

 I hate when people take things out of context or they put to much thought and details in to things that don't matter. I will admit that I sometimes do that, but I at least give you the benefit of the doubt. The thing is that you need to stop looking for enemies and start figuring out how you are going to get yourself out of the hole you dug out. Thats the problem. You can't figure it out and expect someone to do it for you and when that doesn't go your way you disregard them. Thats what I feel. Disregarded, used and abused. But guess what no more and that's what is really bothering you. You think that I am mean and that you never know when my mood is going to change. Well guess what cause if you think that way, then you never knew me at all and probably never will.

Chasing magic

So I started reading Chasing Magic by Stacia Kane. I like the series so far and have continued to read. One thing that I do have a problem with is all the self doubt. Yeah, I know we all have it and experience it from time to time yet it has been a reoccurring issue in the past several books. I know that it has to do with her being a drug addict and trying to survive "life" but sometimes it just feels like too much. 

I guess maybe because I am somewhat going through a lot of that minus the drugs and I really don't want to read about it anymore. One of the things that I like about this character is that despite what she thinks and everyone else she proves all of them wrong and still manages to get what needs to be done, done. I just feel like my life has come to a point. A point in which I must make that decision that will affect different outcomes in my life. I went to someone last week and they told me, after I asked about this stasis, that the only way that I was going to be able to move past it was by making a decision. It didn't really answer my question or help me find a way to get there. She mentioned either going back to school or actively finding another job. She did hit it nail on when she mentioned the whole healthcare but that is not where I want to end up anymore. So again I am left with many questions that have no answers. She did clarify that the job situation will be the same. That there would be no difference in money. So I guess if I did find another job it would pay the same. She did mention if I was thinking about buying a "new" car, when I answered no she said that it was a possibility in the next year. That started a whole new bout of what ifs....... To say the least I hope that if there is a new car in my future it wont be because something bad happened to the current one. Who know maybe I win one or something. What I was hoping that she would tell me was if there was someone new in my life that will stay there. NOTHING. She mentioned nothing what so ever about it. I was thinking of doing a full session with her but its 150 that I could use for something more productive. Like all these trips that I want to do.

Awkward?!?

So last night I was at the Awkward premier in Beverly Hills. I had wanted, which is why I had emailed Jasmin about the tickets going on sale. Well as we were there for the Q&A after the episodes were aired, I was taken back by two comments that really stuck out.

The first one was as a result of someone asking if they had any advice on someone who was almost finishing up high school. The response from Ashley was to just enjoy it and be themselves. Nothing is ever how it is when you are in high school and to enjoy what the senior year brings. She also said to make friends with others. There were other things that she mentioned but all that got me thinking. I believe that I am not the same person that I was when I was in high school. That I have grown and expanded my horizons. That being said it reminded me of an argument that I had several years ago with someone I now consider a good friend. We were letting somethings out and in one of those she confronted me about not opening up. About only opening up to one of my friends, but not her. I said " I have been friends with her for several years, its just easier because she knows what I am talking about". That started a whole new argument in which she expressed her sentiment that if we were nothing alike then why was I friends with them?!? My answer to that was " Well this is the thing that is obvious that you don't know about me. I like to make friends with people who are different then me." She the proceeded to ask me why, so I answered " because these people will expose me to new things. If I were to only be friends with people who were like me and liked all the same things that I like then that would be boring, and I don't want boring. " I think that was the turning point in our relationship because it made her view me in a different light and not as someone that was quiet and conservative, but as someone who was curious and learning about people and who they were. To say the least we are still friends and I have to say that it has been better.

Family isn't always blood. Its the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile & who love you no matter what.

I saw this and it rings so true. There are many people in our lives that come and go, yet there are only certain ones that stay.

 

Things in my life have always been hectic. I have learned to deal with them and find ways on not to get to that place, but it doesn't mean that it still wont happen. As I sit here and contemplate where my life has taken me I have come to the conclusion that sometimes I wont be able to figure it out. There were always be that confusion and self-doubt about what I did and why I did that. Sometimes life doesn't make sense to me.

Where did things go wrong?

There are so many things that have happened in my life that has lead me to be the kind of person that I am today. Some of it was good but a lot of it was not so good. And it is because of this that I have learned to be patient and understanding. That even though you are having a bad day someone else might be having a worst one. So I learned to bid my time, but there is only so much that I can put up with before I can explode. 

Things these past couple of weeks have not been easy and have been very stressful in that it has disturbed my sleep. Lack of sleep can lead to a lot of non consequential problems that shouldn't have happened in the first place, but what can you do. So, with that said, hoping for a little sympathy might not seem like a lot but it is. Hoping that someone will be there for you to listen, when you yourself have done so numerous times, shouldn't be too hard. Yet it is. I admit that I find no fault because we all have things that are going on that we might not be sharing with everyone else around us, but I don't know. Am I asking for too much? 


At least I don't  thinks so. I was on;y hoping for some of that support that I have been giving everyone else lately. With that being said, I don't see what fault of mine it could be when you tell me that the reason being is because I haven't said or mentioned anything about what might be happening. Well I believe that it is a little hard to do when you're not listening to me in the first place. To much stress has been put onto me in these past 3 months since the year has started. How that came to be? I am still trying to figure that out. 


I know that I am not the most expressive person and that i like to maintain my private life mostly private, but you should know this already if you claim to know me for how ever long you claim to do. I am mostly human, but even then that might be debatable...... Hahaha I guess that wouldn't be the first nor the last time that someone asks me who am I. My response has and will always be me. I am Esperanza. I know it sounds stupid and makes no sense, but I don't make sense most of the time anyways. 


The way I see it is that I have become someone I am comfortable being. I can honestly say that I do not really fall into a certain typecast because I am malleable. To say the least I sometimes don't understand why people are so quick to put labels on someone. Because you believe in women's rights, does that make you a feminist?  I don't think so. I think that it makes you someone who has a desire to stand up for injustices being put on someone else. That it just so happens to be women but that can take it to new levels. Human rights, injustices, slavery...... the list goes on and on. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because someone believes strongly about one thing, it isn't the only thing that they are worried about. It's just the tip of the iceberg.

Randomness

I find it funny sometimes the way that things work out. In a business aspect it is the responsibility of said business owner to make sure that they have the proper materials to make sure that they business is able to thrive. Apparently my boss is not one of those believer because everything is falling apart. The sad part is not just that but that my other co-workers don't function well under guidance so it has landed on me to be the one to provide said direction. I am just tired of all of it. Why I stay here remains a mystery to me. Well I do know why because I have yet to find something else, because I don't want to have to deal with going to interviews and starting everything again. Yet I don't have a choice because the way things are going, I don't know how much longer I might be able to last. 

With that being said, this whole ordeal should help me in rediscovering who I am and what I am meant to be. This weekend I went to see Wanderlust and there was this part in which Paul Rudd's character tells his character wife Jennifer Aniston that he was tired of waiting to find out what she wanted to be when she grew up. This being said after listed all the things that she had tried and failed at all the while he continued working and supporting her. It wasn't till all this other stuff happened and they realized that despite everything, they still wanted to be together, that is when they finally realize what they want to do, what they have to do. 


Maybe that will happen with me? Lol, who am I kidding. I probably wont discover what my true calling is. Maybe someday soon, but I don't know when that will happen. Until then, i guess I will continue that path and see where it takes me and what new learning experiences it might bring.

Life

I have been thinking lately about where my life has taken me. Although there many directions that i could have taken, sometimes I wonder about the decisions I have made, or lack there of. I remember when writing was something that I was passionate about. All it took was a few minutes of reflection, pen and paper, and I was able to come up with whatever tickled my fancy. Poetry was top priority but so was writing a book. There are so many story ideas that I had started but never finished. It just feels as if whatever it was that inspired me dried up.

I don't want to call it writer's block because its more than that. Now I sit there and wait for the words to come to me and once they do, its difficult for me to put them on paper. I get so frustrated sometimes because I can't remember any of my thought process that led me to want to write it down in the first place. I know that we all have to change and progress in our lives, but just in this, I wish that I can go back. Go back to where I used to be, to be able too be the person that I used to be. Ugh! Sometimes wishing is all that we have left, but at this point, i don't know if this is who I want to be.

Hello

Well this my first blog... Lame I know. I decided that I needed someplace to be able to express myself. Throughout my whole life I have had to censor myself, listen to everyone else all the while I had so much to say. No that I blame them. Its just that I actually sit there and listen. Sort of like playing Devil's Advocate. But that's neither here nor there. I am just trying to be myself in this world where people have put labels on me without really knowing who I am. Even I don't even know myself which makes it difficult for everyone else.